And yet again….

So I think I’ve started 3 different blogs and who knows how many times I’ve thought about it, yet again here I am, typing my thoughts out on a computer then whizzing them off into cyberspace. Some things about me that may or may not be relevant to my blogging:

 I’ve come to the conclusion that life sucks sometimes, and not just a little bit, but a whole freakin’ lot, and it doesn’t matter what we do, where we go, or how much we try to ignore it, but life will always find a way to bite us in the ass. I’ve also come to the conclusion that you really do have to take care of yourself, because if you wait for someone else to do it you will surely grow old and die, or die from starvation because you are to damn lazy to get up and feed yourself.

Friends, hmmmm…they are amazing and I have some good ones, some are girls and some are guys and it doesn’t matter to me what sex you are, because if I like you and we get along, and enjoy each other’s company, then I’ll count you as a friend and spend time with you, unfortunately not everyone looks at it that way but that’s just too f@cking bad! my life, my friends, get over yourself and your insecurities already!

Getting older SUCKS!!! but I think I look pretty damn good! My joints may creak a little bit and I may not jump out of bed quite as quick as I used to but that’s to be expected.  I still smile and laugh a lot, love to explore and go places I’m not supposed to to take pictures, workout on a regular basis and enjoy doing and trying things that a lot of people wouldn’t consider. In short, I try to take care of the total package, mentally, physically and emotionally and I think I do a pretty good job of it.   

I cuss, alot. I do try to censor myself but I’m telling you, it’s not always easy, I get upset, someone makes me mad or I’m just having a bad day and the words tend to fly, and sometimes those words are strung together in very creative and colorful sentences that would make a sailor blush. I am trying to be more careful because not everyone enjoys hearing me come up with new and creative ways to use words, but sometimes it is pretty funny, especially when your son calls you out on it with the line “mom, vocabulary!”.

Tattoos, love ’em, I have a bunch and may decide to get more, husband isn’t to happy about that but he’s coping, they’re like potato chips, after one you can’t stop.  Some people roll their eyes and some people think I’m some sort of druggie, thug girl playing nice but I really am a good person, my tattoos don’t define me, so don’t judge me by my ink, but if you do and choose not to get to know me then your loss, not mine. 

I’m married, been for over 15 years and it’s no walk in the park! we get along for the most part, some days are better than others. We have issues, we work through them when we can, around them when possible.  I’m outgoing, he’s not, I’m into energy medicine like reiki, EFT, Aura and chakra balancing and he thinks I’m a complete freak sometimes when it comes to that. I love different things like tattoos, scuba diving, flea markets, motorcycles, sitting on a rock in a mountain river reading a book and he is more the one tattoo, hates water and water related sports, buying not shopping, reading in a chair type of person. How are we still together? not sure, will we always be together? again not sure, why? because life ultimately does what it wants and I can’t promise anything, I tried living in the future once, so to speak and it didn’t work, I lost a lot of good friends because I spent so much time trying to plan ahead and worrying about the what ifs that I couldn’t slow down.  I was so worried about stuff that hadn’t even happened  that I was destroying myself and not allowing myself to enjoy the simple things. This time around I will enjoy life more, take pictures, get tattoos, ride a motorcycle, walk on the beach at midnight. I’ll try different things and if my husband wants to be there and enjoy these things with me that is great, if not then that’s fine too, your call, not mine, I refuse to make your decisions and dictate your life path for you, that’s why it’s your life .  

We have a son that seems a decent mix of both of us so that’s a good thing, he’s pretty laid back and accepting of most things, has a good imagination and enough common sense to know when to leave things as they are versus changing them or challenging me on something.  He’s smart, and he is my life, I tolerate a lot of things, I can be very patient, but you mess with my son and I will hunt you down, beat you to a pulp, then light your ass on fire, let you burn, and walk away without a second glance.
I love photography, am I good at it? I must be pretty decent because I’ve had multiple gallery shows, several purchases, had my photography published in an online newspaper, have photography that been used by the internationally known Punk Band Patriot for one of their CDs which has been released,( my picture is the band picture and I still get compliments on it) as well as having photographed several weddings, family portraits, head shots for local actors, college graduations and have had permanent collections hanging in two businesses (business are now gone so the pictures were taken down); But again I love photography, and when I get discouraged, I remind myself that I started doing photography not to become “famous”, but because it gives me a chance to get out and explore places and see things that maybe I wouldn’t normally see because I’m in such a hurry and forget to slow down. If I have my heart in my photography and don’t just go out and hurriedly snap some random shots then I find I’m happier with the end result and more excited to put them out for public view. 

   Wow, lots of stuff for a first post, but good things and now you know a little about me, what I’m like. Future posts will be an equal mix of happy, sad, whiny, rants, and just whatever may be on my mind. I will not promise that there will be daily posts, there may not be. But I will make a promise that I will try to post at least once a week. It’s kinda an outlet for me to vent and put on virtual paper what’s on my mind at that particular moment. I won’t censor these posts so some days you may find cuss words peppered liberally throughout my posts or things maybe you wish you hadn’t read, tmi. Consider this last paragraph my disclaimer, read this blog at your own risk, but come along for the ride if you wish!

I let you go

I’ve been seeing a lot of things pop up in blogs I follow, pins on pinterest, facebook and the like and they are all basically saying the same thing, “no contact” in other words I guess this is the universe’s way of saying “hey you, remember that friendship you were going back and forth on? leave it alone, seriously. if it matters, if you matter then they will come around and contact you. You’ve done more than enough so just leave.it.alone.” Guess that’s what I am really going to try to do this time.
I think what bothers me the most is when people don’t give you a chance to be who you say you can be, instead they just decide to walk away without and rhyme or reason, no explanation, they just cut you out. As a good friend posted on her Face book page the other day “people change” and she is so right. I can’t stop change, and I certainly will not continue to chase after a friendship with someone who apparently has no desire to communicate with me, so instead I need to concentrate my efforts on letting them go with grace and dignity, wishing them the best in their life and allowing them to make the decision if they truly want to go or stay.
I guess this post is my way of making it more real, of actually taking this step and reminding myself that not everyone who comes into my life is meant to stay.

I’m tired

     Sometimes I get tired, tired of trying and hoping and wishing and waiting. Tired of the games, and tired of putting effort into situations or relationships that give me so little in return. The effort of trying to sustain something that can’t or doesn’t want to be sustained drains me physically, emotionally, spiritually and mentally. It leaves me with scars and wounds that no one can see and only I can feel. Why do I continue to reach out when I know deep down that my efforts will be ignored and shunned?  Because I have a big heart and a deep soul and  it’s so hard for me to give up on something or someone that still means so much to me and still occupies a large part of my heart. I should just walk away, no dramatics or long rambling messages because in the end, though they may be seen, they won’t be acknowledged, and to do so just continues the cycle of the hoping and wishing and waiting. But instead of doing what will ultimately save me, here I am, putting effort into something, still thinking that maybe things can change and move forward, but deep down I really know that that probably won’t happen, and I’m wasting my efforts on things that aren’t meant to be.

 

Not all games are fun

Games, they make us laugh and smile, bring friends and families together and are usually a good time. Sometimes though, people play games, games of the mind and of the heart, manipulating people for their own gain, disregarding what damage it may do to the other person. We all have feelings that should be taken into consideration, respected and honored and when you start to play games with people, when you deliberately do things knowing that your actions will cause harm or pain, then you are playing games and you are essentially disregarding the other person’s emotions for your own gain.
Breaking another person’s trust, saying things you don’t mean, making promises that you know you cannot keep, or doing things that you know will hurt another person are all ways people play games with each other, these games aren’t fun, they hurt, they are cruel and they destroy the trust that someone has in you. When you do this you leave the other person in a state of confusion, emotional limbo, questioning what happened and wondering why they weren’t worth the truth.

Saying Goodbye…

It’s so hard to let go sometimes. Not everyone in your life is meant to stay forever, things happen, people disagree, you grow apart or that person has served their purpose in your life and then it’s time for them to go. Regardless of the reason it’s not an easy thing when you have to let someone walk out of your life, there’s a certain amount of hurt, of worry and, at least for me, always the question of “what could I have done or changed to make them stay?”
In a lot of situations there isn’t anything you could have done or said, no amount of pleading or promising can change the situation or circumstance and would you really want to reduce yourself to those tactics anyway? So as hard and hurtful as it is you let go, swallow your words and your promises and let them go. Their time is over, and it’s time for them to walk away. It doesn’t mean that it won’t hurt or that there won’t be moments that sneak up on you when you least expect it when the pain of the memories are almost too much to bear, but somehow you get through it, a little at a time, and eventually you learn how to smile instead of cry and somehow your life re-arranges itself and the holes that are left close up. Those holes may not always disappear because, for the people that really mattered to you, they have a part of your heart and soul and that can never be replaced and the spot where that piece belongs will never heal completely.
Sometimes the situations are completely out of our control, death, moving, or personal issues that one person or the other may be dealing with, and they just need to take time for themselves to handle situations that have nothing to do with you directly but it’s still hard, especially when you have no idea if they will be back again.
Let them go with grace and with blessings for a happy life, this is a hard part for me. I want to point the finger and make myself believe that if they had stayed then they would be happier or their life would be better. How selfish of me to assume that and how unfair of me to put that guilt out there, I cannot assume that I know what’s best for that person or what personal turmoil they may be going through, I can’t read their mind and make their decisions for them, only they have that ability.

Just Breathe….

     Sometimes we just have to breathe. To survive, to cope, to get through the day and whatever things we may be facing. I find that when I am in a tough situation and don’t quite know what to do or say it helps to just take a step back and a couple of deep breaths.  This allows me to focus on something other than whatever is “in my face” at the moment and to respond rather than react.

     Everyone one of us has situations or people that make us tense, we get grumpy, or worked up and everything that we had imagined, all the ways we want to handle that situation or person goes out the window. Taking a deep breath or two allows me to refocus my thoughts and hopefully gain some perspective before I respond, because when I respond I want to do so in fairness to the situation or person involved. Of course we really can’t “handle” another person, only stay in control of how we respond to that person’s actions. What another person says or does is out of our control, we are only responsible for our actions, thoughts and words no one else’s.

     Take the time you need when possible to focus your energy on what’s a fair and appropriate response to that particular person or situation, do or say only what is necessary, nothing more, nothing less, then leave it alone. Remember you can’t control it so don’t waste your energy trying, sometimes less is more and by stepping away and breathing you are actually doing exactly what needs to be done.